did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
