Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
