The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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