so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
