Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize