Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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