If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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