I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
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I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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