Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize