you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
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