so explain again why im purple
no
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
