Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize