So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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