??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
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How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
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I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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