I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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