You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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