dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
