I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
