Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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