i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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