Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm both gender and math confused
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