Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
