Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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