I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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