The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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