i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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