i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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