return my video game
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
