Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
