I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I could make wine with my vomit
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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