Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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