textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
