Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
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Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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