Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
