I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
