I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
