Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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