you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
