dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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