i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
