My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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