You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
