And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm at about main and main street
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
