I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
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There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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