T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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