You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
