My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
