You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
