Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
