Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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