I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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