thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
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i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
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All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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