haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
