Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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